Surely there had to be some way to smoke a little weed outside Westminster if you happened be at William and Kates's royal wedding. Here's my guide to toking up in front of soldiers, cozzers (cops) and the ghost of Princess Diana, and getting away with it:

1. Choose Your Apparatus Wisely
It’s probably not going to be a great idea to break out your hookah or six-footer anywhere near the festivities. In fact, no bongs, including minis or gravity bongs, should even be considered for this sensitive operation. Instead, roll joints or use a bat that can be easily mistaken for a cigarette.

2. Arrive Prepared
Don’t roll your joints in front of Queen Elizabeth. Come with them pre-rolled and placed inconspicuously in a cigarette box. Obviously, you will need your dugout armed and ready before you leave your house for easy bat-packing access. This too can be stored discretely in an empty cigarette box.

3. Be a Moving Target
While in the act of smoking, be on the move. Walk at a casual pace, but keep the momentum going; it will be harder to decipher exactly where the smell is coming from. It will also be easier for the bizzies (another word for cops) to ask themselves if perhaps it was just the smell of cloves before they have time to brandish their bully sticks and give chase.

4. Don’t Dress Like a Pot Smoker
Okay, so I know this is vague, but think about it - if your dreadlocks stop just above the Bob Marley t-shirt you're wearing, that cloud of smoke that smells a little bit suspicious might buy you a deep search of your body cavities - and it won’t be Waity Katy doing the searching! Dress like the Queen Mum, on the other hand, and you could probably offer the constable a drag and get away with it.

5. Don’t Break Any More Laws
If you're going to smoke, don’t couple it with trying to pull off a five-finger discount at the fish and chips shop. Similarly, don’t try to break into the Abbey during the ceremony. And don’t, for the love of all that is cool and English, crash the reception - at least, not while you're carrying. Finish smoking all you have, and then by all means, try to snag at least one dance with one of the hot royal cousins.

6. Eat It
Not to save the most obvious for last, but you could always bake some pot brownies, find a grassy knoll on the parade route and have a picnic.

Joselin Linder is the author of The Stoned Family Robinson

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