By Joselin Linder

No matter what you think of The Ahnald’s behavior, you have to admit, it’s been a tough few weeks for everyone involved. So, if you're caught up in the Schwarzenegger scandal, or perhaps one of your own, here are some suggestions for what to roll up to make it all feel just a little better.

The Betrayed: Maria Shriver
Strain: Chocolope
This sativa is renowned as an “uplifting” smoke, which Shriver is likely in sore need of (did you see the photo of “the baby-mama"?!). Chocolope has also been known to heighten paranoia, something Maria could have used 13 years ago - but since her credulous Kennedy nature kept her in the dark for all these years, we suggest it might benefit her to stay on her toes from here on out.

The Betrayer: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Strain: The Church
Arnold needs redemption. So the holier the strain the better. The Church is a hybrid that blends a Swiss sativa and Northern Lights indica with, get this - Skunk and Super Skunk! What could be more perfect? The super skunk (or perhaps he’s just a skunk, we’ll see when the divorce papers are made public) can use this extremely potent bud to commune with God.

The Baby Mama: Mildred “Patty” Baena
Strain: Brain’s Choice
Arnold’s baby-mama, it can be argued, has far less culpability than Arnold himself - after all, he was her boss and a major movie star at the time of the seduction. Even those of us who haven’t spent time star-fucking or imagining ourselves star-fucking, might have a hard time fending off the advances of the former Mr. Universe. Still, one has to suspect she was at least on familiar, if not friendly, terms with Mr. Terminator’s Mrs. And that’s just textbook poor choice-making. Therefore, I suggest that Patty give Brain’s Choice a try. It’s said to expand the mind and take the smoker on a mental vacation. Patty could probably use a vacation, and it doesn’t hurt that it will help when she sits down to pen her best-selling autobiography, "Me and Hercules."

The Bastard: Joseph Baena
Strain: Australian Bastard
This fruit of Arnold’s loins is just a child and doesn’t deserve to be called names. But since it's pretty much going to be Joseph’s lot in life to field all kinds of name-calling, he should embrace it. Australian Bastard is a hardy strain and doesn’t provide too much kick. But that’s okay. This kid will have to keep his wits about him. And anyway, he’s only 13.

The Other Woman: Gigi Goyette
Strain: Black Widow
She seems to be on a mission to put the nail in the coffin of the Schwarzenegger marriage, which is why a toke of Black Widow seems the appropriate choice for Gigi's smoking pleasure. But if you join her, be careful she doesn’t bite your head off!

The Innocent Victims: Schwarzenegger Children
Strain: AK-47
It sounds like this brood is really struggling with the news of their dad’s infidelity and understandably so. Despite it's gang-banger name, AK-47 is actually a remarkably peaceful sativa. These kids are going to need it. Because no matter what he did, Arnold is still their dad. And that kid is their brother.

Now smoke up!

Joselin Linder is the author of The Stoned Family Robinson

Check out Danny Danko's Field Guide to Marijuana Strains

Also see:
Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron
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