International Cannabis Business Conference

Bill Maher's 'Twas the Night Before 4/20

Bill Maher celebrated 4/20 on Real Time with the bedtime story, 'Twas the Night Before 4/20...

Twas the night before 4/20, and all through the crib, not a creature was stirring, not even - did you hear something?

I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts from the gym
I’d just settled down to watch Adult Swim.

The bowls were all packed and the vapes with great care
In the hopes that Willie Nelson soon would be there

When from out in the yard came a crash and grew bellow
Whatever it was it was harassing my mellow

And what to my wandering eyes should appear?
It was a tall circus clown molesting a deer
(No, wait, just a tree)

I'd made a mistake, I guess I should mention
I was thoroughly baked

Then out of the shadows I saw it myself
It was Willie Nelson and Snoop, his jolly old elf

And a man who was grinning  and wearing a hoodie
I knew in an instant it was good old St. Woody

I knew by their manner and the lovely aroma that they’d all brought me something to cure my glaucoma
And I heard them exclaim as the light bathed them dimly
‘Bill, you fuckin’ stoner, let us in - you don’t have a chimney!'

We lit up a joint and ate a pot brownie and soon we're as high as a young Robert Downey

When out on the lawn I heard such a crash
I ran to the toilet to flush all our stash
I looked out the peephole and what did I spot?
The chief of police and eight hungry cops

And then in a twinkling' I heard overhead
A fully-armed SWAT team, I thought we were dead
Then in they all flew, like geese through a fog
They barked out commands and shot my poor dog
(But he'll be OK)

They were after a pothead who matched my description
But I reached in my pocket and pulled out my prescription
They looked at it closely, they began to whine and to grouse
But they knew they had nothing, so I said, "Get out of my house!”

I said you don't have a warrant, you don't have writ
Happy 4/20 to all and to all some good shit

Steve Bloom

Steve Bloom

Publisher of CelebStoner.com, editor-in-chief of Freedom Leaf, co-author of Pot Culture and Reefer Movie Madness, and the former editor of High Times.