"Now that the people of Colorado have legalized pot for everybody, and not just for longtime sufferers of whatever it is I have, they must realize they are the Jackie Robinson of marijuana legislation, which is why they can't go all Cheech & Chong on us," he begins. "You guys have to get this right or it's going to ruin it for everybody. So embrace it. Be the Jackie Robinson of pot.
"I bring this up because New York Times Pulitzer prizewinning columnist Maureen Dowd recently had a bad pot trip in a Colorado hotel room. Maureen, you finally decided to do pot and you didn't ask me to guide you through it? I'm hurt. I think you know my credentials, ok?
• I was No. 1 on High Times magazine's list of pot comics in 2006 (shows cover and clip from the issue). I should've also won in '99, I had an amazing year. (Note: I wrote that article when I worked at High Times.)
• I also won High Times' Best Cable News Show in '07 when they said, "When it comes to marijuana advocacy on television, no one can touch Bill Maher." (Note: I gave Maher that award and wrote that line as part of the 2006 Stony Awards, which I produced.)
• I was the keynote speaker at the 2002 NORML convention.
• I was College Party Guru's No. 4 celebrity pothead of all time.
• I am the proud owner of this trophy presented to me commemorating my induction into the Jose Cuervo Party Hall of Fame in 2000.
"I have spilled more pot than most of you have smoked! So I believe I have the gravitas to offer some advice to Colorado. The first rule is:
• Don't mix pot with alcohol.
• If you've never had pot don't eat it the first time. It's so much more intense when you eat it.
• If you do eat it remember, it takes time. Stop watching the clock and just relax. I personally don't eat it because it makes me paranoid.
• Stay away from stuff that's only for veteran smokers. Pot stores sell these super-concentrated crystals called kif. This stuff is dangerous. It's harvested directly from Willie Nelson's beard. Colorado, don't sell kif to novices.
• Stop selling pot products that look like children's candy. That's not what stoners would do. That's what R.J. Reynolds would do.
"Pot is the new kid. It has to play it safe. Let's not throw the baby out with the bongwater."