Marijuana: I arrived in Chicago and lived the life of a stoner for a year. I would smoke in the morning and listen to Bob Marley. I would wear headphones and buy records and comic books. I would make mac and cheese and watch Deep Space Nine. I'm not one of those people who smokes weed and suddenly has a burst of creativity. I'm one of those people who smokes weed and spends an hour lightening my eyebrows. It slowed me down and helped with my Irish stomach and the constant channel-changing that happened in my head. I can't perform, drive or write stoned, and therefore I smoke a lot less pot than I used to. Gone are the days when I could walk to 7-Eleven and play the game of "buy the weirdest two things."
Cocaine: In my twenties I tried coke, which I instantly loved but eventually hated. Cocaine is terrific if you want to hang out with people you don't know very well and play Ping-Pong all night. It's bad for almost everything else.
Methamphetamine: Meth never squirmed its way into my life, thank god. It's so evil and horrifying, but I'm not going to pretend that I'm not fascinated by the idea of staying up for five days on end painting my basement.
Heroin: Heroin was another drug that didn't catch my tail…. I also didn't try heroin because I was told everyone threw up the first time they did it. When given the option to throw up or not throw up, I usually choose the latter.
Pills: We didn't take a lot of pills in my day, which was lucky. Those suckers are heart stoppers. It's scary today to see all those downers find their way into young peoples' hands.
'Teenage bodies should be filled with Vonnegut and meatball subs, not opiates that create glassy-eyed party monsters.'
Poehler fails to explain her experiences on mushrooms other than to say they "never hurt a thing."
She co-hosts the Golden Globes on Jan. 11 and returns for the final season of Parks and Recreation on Jan. 13.